Edward Cullen Dear Journal
by Zerousy
Summary: Edward's thoughts in a journal before Bella arrives because Alice had a vision and how things were going to happen. ***Forever on hold! If you want to continue this you must PM me so that I know you have an account and message you!***
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight at all. I only own the plot. I make no money from this.**

Dear Journal,

This had to happen sooner or later. It was only a matter of time. Six years have passed, and still I can't look at her the way Alice had seen in her vision. I'd secretly watched my supposed future mate, my future wife; grow into a young woman over the years, mostly through Alice's visions because I can't risk her knowing me just yet. We'd moved to Forks recently, the family and me, knowing it was only two years away from the vision coming true; no one bets against Alice.

The only reason Alice was able to see my supposed mate was because she'd looked into my future, attempting to tease me at the time, to see if I'd ever have a lover; then it happened. She saw a vision me of dancing with the most beautiful human girl she'd ever seen and I watched it with her, the love in our eyes was unmistaken, along with us saying 'I love you'. But then her vision shifted to the present, at the time six years ago, to Bella, that's what she liked to be called, and showing that she was merely an 11 year old girl. Emmet would not let me live this down until Carlisle told him to shut it.

She was destined to be part of my future which is why Alice was able to see her at the time. The vision never changed over the years so it was a set course. But I didn't know what to do. Many times I'd tried to convince both Alice and myself that there was no way I was going to fall in love with someone, especially a child at the time. But as time went on, both Alice and I knew that Bella would not remain a child for long and the vision of my future with her grew ever so near.

Today was her first day here at Forks High School. I tried my best to ignore her, not wanting to accept my future of eventually turning her into one of us; monsters, Alice had foreseen it. Unfortunately, she was like a moth to light, everyone wanted to know about her. Questions came from everywhere and I could tell by the look on her face that she hated being the center of attention. The moment I looked at her though was my downfall. She'd been staring at us, 'the freaks' as we've been labeled, wondering who we were. I knew the moment I first looked at her, really looked at her, I was doomed to love her. I'd watched her grow for six years through Alice's visions and she never looked as stunning as she did now.

Dear Journal,

Her first day here was misery for me. She's in my biology class and boy did I get a good whiff of her scent. She smelled so good that I nearly killed her because of the monster in me. But I held him back. I would not kill her, no matter how much I thirsted for her blood. I love her too much to kill her, to damn her. That's why I've gone away. Out of all the years I've dreaded seeing her, selfishly hoping that she'd love me in return but knowing there was always a possibility she won't, I dreaded having that intoxicating scent teasing me to the point of no return. So here I write, in my little black journal, hoping to get some of my frustration out; so far it's working its' magic.

It's a good thing my father suggested writing when we first found out she'd be in our lives. It gives me some way to vent my frustration and anger and misery. Sometimes I've got good things to say, I've said some positive things in my previous journal. I started this one when Bella came to Forks High her first day, I figured I'd need a new one to consume my thoughts with her. Surely it was a good idea.

I have no clue what to do. I'm so frustrated. It wasn't like I really believed that I'd fall in love with her the moment I saw her in person, no, that was a ridiculous thought; but it happened. After watching her grow, mature, fill out, I've finally realized that there was never any stopping it. If my heart had a beat to it, it would be breaking with agony because of how miserable I am. I love her and yet I cannot have her. I just may have to live in misery for all of my existence because there is no way I'm going to let her suffer the three days of agony and have her soul eternally damned. Especially if she doesn't want me.

Dear Journal,

It's been a week since I've seen or smelled her and yet the beast inside me craves her more than ever. Is there no justice for my tormented soul? With my luck probably not. My family is worried for me. They're also wondering if I'll ever come home soon. I'm still deciding that but I'm leaning toward going home tonight. I miss everyone, but I mostly, and selfishly, miss my Bella. Even though I really have no claim over her, nor have the right to call her 'my' Bella, I can't help but feel that she does belong to me. Six years of wondering, waiting and stressing really took a toll on me.

Here is the supposed love of my life and now her scent is driving me crazy. Crazy enough to want to go to her and not only feast upon her blood but to ravish her as a lover would. But she doesn't have a clue. She doesn't know me like I know her. Worst of all, what if she doesn't want me? How am I going to get through every day watching her if she doesn't want to be with me? What if she thinks of me as a monster?

I could understand if she didn't want me because I'm a monster, but I don't think I could understand how she would merely not want me for me. If I were human I'm sure that I would be a great guy for her; but I'm not human. In fact, I eat the very thing that keeps humans alive. I don't deserve her. I should never have been allowed to know she existed. WHY DID ALICE HAVE TO TEASE ME THAT ONE DAY???? Now I'll never get her out of my head.

I think I will go home though. There's no stopping me from loving her no matter where I go. I'll just have to endure it.


	2. Chapter 2

Dear journal,

I've come home only to find that Rosalie is royally pissed at me. She knew as well as I did that there was no stopping me from loving my Bella and no way that I was going to hurt her, but I had left anyway because of fear. She's mad at me but I think she's even madder at Bella for being the cause of me leaving. All of us knew I was bound to love her but why the hell did she have to be such a temptation to eat? It confuses me still as to why the hell I fell in love with something as tempting as drugs being shoved under a drug-addicts nose. But in truth, that's what Bella is to me; she's my drug. My very own personal brand of heroin.

It's Sunday right now and tomorrow I go back to school with the others, acting as if I'd never left. Maybe no one would have noticed I'd left. It's been a long time since anyone at the school had paid attention to us Cullen kids. I still find it interesting how Emmet, Alice and I are the Cullen's on paper, but Jasper and Rosalie are the Hale's even though everyone refers to us as the Cullen's no matter what the last name is. It must be because of Carlisle's status as the doctor in town. Oh look, I'm trailing off course.

Back to the topic; school. I honestly do hate going to high school year after year when I know all the material already. Honestly, I could teach it all to anybody! But, it's the life we choose. That and I bet I'd have nothing to do if I didn't go at all. I could probably play my piano and write some songs, discover new artists but that's probably about it.

I do look forward to one thing tomorrow; seeing her precious face in person again. Also, I have to make amends to her somehow. Last week I practically gave her the death glare for no reason at all and she's probably got a low opinion of me for that. There must be some way to fix that. If she doesn't end up loving me, at least I might be able to make her have a better opinion of me. Who knows?

Dear journal,

I must be one stupid love-sick vampire to risk exposure so carelessly TWICE in one day. The first time happened on accident. I'd managed to talk to Bella and obviously improve her opinion of me from the look on her face (which was all I had to go by considering I can't read her mind for some reason). She wasn't afraid of me, but she did notice I was gone. At least she was the only one who noticed. Unfortunately when she asked me about my eyes having contacts I didn't think on it and just blurted out the truth that I didn't wear them. I'd forgotten that they change color for a moment because of the silly question. I had to cover that up with a cheesy lie by saying it was the florescence.

Then there was the not accident time. Bella would have been crushed by Tyler's truck had I not pushed her to the ground and pushed that truck away with my bare hands. She saw everything. I know she did but nobody noticed me at all and assumed it was just some freak accident thing. I saw the look on her face and knew she knew I was nowhere near human or mortal, whichever. But I couldn't let her die. I love her so damned much that I'd risk exposure without a care in the world so long as she was safe.

Again, Rosalie is pissed, but this time I know it's directed towards Bella. She's not the only one too; Jasper's got it in his mind to kill Bella off to prevent exposure but neither will do anything without talking to Carlisle. They know I'd do anything to protect Bella, even fight them. I would fight my own family for this girl that hardly knows me.

Right now I'm trying to picture the look on Bella's face and interpret it. It's interesting how the girl I fall in love with turns out to be the one person whose mind I can't read. Bella didn't look afraid, but she didn't look completely shocked either. It was like she had expected, at least a small part of her did, that I wasn't like any average boy, that I could do things others couldn't.

Our faces were so close that I nearly kissed her senseless right in front of everyone. She smelled so delicious but smelled like beautiful at the same time. I don't know if there is a smell called 'beautiful' but if there was I'd call it Bella. Of course everyone would notice THAT! I, Edward Cullen, famous bachelor of high school, kissing Bella, the new girl, right after she nearly gets crushed by a car. Yeah, that would have ended up bad.

Dear journal,

It's official. Carlisle said no one could, or would hurt Bella. Thanks to Alice, everyone has seen my side of the argument. Though I don't like the idea of Bella becoming a monster like us, Alice saw no way around it. It was fate; and I was going to be the one to turn her.

That made ME mad. I don't want to cause her pain! I want to prevent her pain. I just want to take her in my arms and hold her safely so even she can't hurt herself. Seriously, the girl is a walking danger magnet. I've seen her trip over a flat surface and land on her face in the hospital! It took everything in my power not to go to her at vampire speed and prevent it from happening. I was too far away for it to go unnoticed if I had even tried.

Other than that, I think Jasper and Rosalie feel a little guilty to even thinking about hurting a future family member of theirs. Especially my future mate! I know they're all glad I've got someone destined for me but they thought it none the less. Even if they didn't really voice out their opinions, their first thoughts were that exposure must not happen. Of course they forgot that Bella would one day be one of us, so they shouldn't have acted out as such. But seriously? Six years of talking about "oh, when will you ever give her a first kiss Edward?" Esme would say, or even "Edward, you better ask her out when you see her again! God forbid, if you make me wait to take her shopping any longer than necessary, I will dress you up like a girl!" Alice actually scared me with that one.

But none of that compares to when Bella met up with me at the hospital. She'd asked me questions; questions like how I got to her so fast from so far away and if I'd tell her the truth. Of course I lied to her saying that I was standing right next to her but she denied that. Then I told her that she hit her head but she said her head was fine. Then she told me something I believed without a doubt. She told me that she wasn't going to tell anybody about it, but that she just needed to know what happened and that if she was going to lie, she'd better have a good reason for doing so. Of course, being me, I had to keep the secret for as long as I could and was rude to her again.

I bet she'd beginning to think I'm bipolar or something related. My mood swings are even confusing me a little bit. Oh well, I'm going to have to ignore her and hope that she doesn't spill the beans, so to speak.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own twilight. I make no money.**

**AN: Thank you moonifrui for being supportive. For that, I dedicate this chapter to you.**

Dear Journal,

I was following Bella in Port Angeles today. So far she'd managed to not do something extremely bad. In fact, she'd been so uncharacteristically fine that I'd been on edge for hours. Something _was _bound to happen to her and I was anticipating it. Bella had managed to get away from that selfish Jessica and good-hearted Angela to a book store for several minutes. When she walked out was when disaster struck. At the time, I wasn't paying attention to where she was at and merely thought that she was with them but when I overheard one of the girls mention that they hoped that Bella wouldn't order without them there I began to panic. My Bella was not near her friends which was less safe, and I'm not referring to the fact that she's naturally a klutz.

I was referring to drunken, frat-party boys whose minds I'd overheard when they'd passed the trio of girls when they were looking at dresses. Well, when Jessica and Angela were looking at dresses, Bella was looking at something else in her hands. It was probably a book. But those boys had one thing on their minds when they saw the trio they'd passed and I for one didn't like it.

Like I said, disaster struck when Bella left the book store. I was searching for her and in my search I'd overheard those low lives thinking on what they were going to do to her, imagining her reaction when they'd get their hands on her beautiful body. Then I saw her through their eyes and the look on her face was somewhat confusing to me. She didn't look quite scared, more like she was concentrating on something.

Going as fast as I could I drove to where their location was and saw just as Bella was pushing one of them away from her. It angered me more to witness them touching her with my own eyes than through their eyes. She was mine, that I was sure of by now since I was definitely over protective of her. If she doesn't eventually fall in love with me that will be ok. I can live with that. But she will always be mine to protect.

So, after the very brief rescue and had her in my car I drove her to the restaurant that she was supposed to go to and offered to buy her dinner and take her home, mostly so I could have some alone time with her. That and I needed to know that she was safe, even if it was just from herself. She ate, I watched and she asked me some questions. The more we talked, the more I was realizing why I was in love with her. Her voice, even though was merely human, was enchanting. The sweet aroma of her blood drew me physically near her, yet I was strong enough to resist temptation. Her silent mind to me was a perfect outlet for us to be together. I wouldn't be able to intrude in her thoughts, making her uncomfortable in any case. The way she doesn't see herself clearly is definitely something I get to help her improve on.

As I watch her eat and answer her questions, I reframe from actually telling the truth about my kind. She seems to like me, that's for sure. I must admit, she is practically on the mark about my family being vampires but she's still got that insecure look on her face and yet she seems captivated by me being anything but 'normal'. But still, I was cautious.

Dear Journal,

The drive to her home had finally let her have her answers. I didn't get to mention that in my last entry because I had to go and do something for Esme. But now I have done so. Also, today, the day after the last entry, Bella and I have become public. After last night's drive I finally let her figure it out that we're a bunch of vampires, my family and I. she took it a lot better than I could ever hope for. It turns out she likes me for me, even if I am a monster, which explains a little why she's been having dreams about me that sound nice. Yes, I do admit to myself that I have been watching her sleep, it lets me get inside her head somewhat.

She wants to see me more often and I want to be near her. I think that since tomorrow I'm taking her to school that we should make the relationship we have go a little further. She seems to be as much fascinated with me as I am with her, only she has no clue that I was expecting her for six years now. I don't think we'll tell her that any time soon. But last night was amazing. She actually admitted that she'd rather die than be away from me. I'll keep that in mind, considering that I'm hazardous to her health.

Oh, I do love her. I know this so well now that it makes me want to jump in a time machine and give myself what Alice calls a "bitch-slap" and knock some sense into my head. What was I thinking??? This was inevitable! And to think, she likes me back. What I fool I am for not seeing this clearly as it was displayed before me. I must remember to thank my pixie sister for her persistence in 'getting some sense'. Yes, I must thank her. It would be only polite to do so since she's pushed me in the right direction.

Since I can't possibly write enough thanks to my sister I'm just going to talk a little about Rosalie's personal thoughts. She thinks that it's completely 'bullshit', her words not mine, which a human should get to know about vampires and remain human. Of course we all know that Bella won't be human for long. There is no way around it but I don't want her to change. I like her the way she is. Rosalie is just pissed because she wasn't given a choice, but I don't blame her for that one.

It's at least nice that Rosalie is warming up to the idea of 'future Bella' and looking forward to another one of Alice's visions where she and Bella will be going hunting and leaving Emmet and I alone to sulk without our women beside us. She's the crewel sister if you ask me. Then again, Alice would probably do the same thing and only make herself look innocent about it. Damn, I can't believe it took me this long to realize that my sisters are equally bad in their own way. Well, that's it for now. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Dear Journal,

Today was great. Bella and I are officially a public couple. The look on Mike Newton's face was priceless and I bask in the feeling it gives me. Nothing is greater than having her to myself and no one else is allowed to have her as anything but a friend. She's so clumsy it's adorable and I can't help but laugh at the little misfortunes she has as I save her from them. She's mine, finally all mine. I've waited so long for someone like her and now I won't let her go. I still refuse to change her because I love her the way she is, yet now she's thinking about becoming one of us, just like in Alice's vision. No, we have not yet told her about the visions but Bella is already looking in that direction.

I'm so happy, alive really, that she's in my life that I can't even keep coherent thoughts together. I feel like I'm writing a bunch of juggled words that just come out of my head. Oh Bella, what have you done to, according to Emmet, stuck-up Edward? You've completely changed my train of thought and now all I can think about is you as I write in this journal. I think a break from this journal would be good. I feel as if that if I keep trying to write constantly it will be just become incoherent eventually. So, until I need you again, I won't write journal.

**AN****: No, I'm not done with this if that's what you're going to ask me. I just feel that either a cliff hanger or whatever you want to call this is in need of it. Plus, I'm trying to go by the book mostly instead of the movie. Also, I don't know if I should go ahead and continue with this throughout the whole series. Feedback is nice for that.**

**Remember****, reviews are nice, even if they're bad. But please, if you do review badly, make sure it makes sense. I got a bad review that made no sense on one of my other stories and I'm not sure it was even for me.**


	4. Chapter 4

Ok, I know some of you are going to hate me but I have to say it: I just don't feel this story anymore. I don't know what happened, it's like one day I woke up and said I didn't want to do it anymore. If anyone wants to take over writing it ask and you just might receive. Sorry for the long wait just to find this out but it's better said than kept in the dark. Thanks to all the fans that read and even more thanks to the fans that reviewed it but I'm sorry, I don't think I can continue this. It was nice while it lasted. Whoever wants to continue it, just ask and you'll most likely get the chance to do it. If someone does decided to take it up I'll ask them nicely to give a link to the story.

-zerousy


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